I HATE RAD!

 There have been many sweet moments of bonding between our twins!!! 

 I mean look at this!  This is what our hearts wanted! 

 This is what we prayed for, for our babes!!!!!!!!!!!

God has given us soo many new BLESSINGS with Michael and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I wish I could tell you that my whole life is filled with the above :).  That would be great - right?  I mean that is what I sooooo want to pretend is MY LIFE!  I REALLY DO!  And it is, but it is only part of my life.

But......it is not always my life.  No matter how many times I play the above scene in my mind.....it doesn't change ugliness that happens.

Some of you may not know what RAD is- Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I myself- don't give a lot of anything to letters- because to me letters like ADHD or RAD, or words like dyslexia- are just words.  Yes, they have meaning, but really it is something that you have to deal with work through together as a family.  Letters are just letters and words are just words.  So if you want to know more about what RAD looks like or the symptoms, etc. google it.  There is a lot of information out there.

But, what I can tell you is I HATE RAD!!!!!  I HATE RAD because- I LOVE MY CHILD!!!!  I do not like who they become when they are behaving in the "hurt child".  It means that they have a hurt heart- and that is what I do not like!!!  I DO NOT LIKE THE HURT part of their life.  I don't like the fact that their wounds come out in such a way that leave everyone else in their path wounded.  I do not like the fact that they don't want to accept love from me or others because they are too hurt in the moment!  I do not like the fact that I just want them to be HEALED!  Never to feel this way again.  I just want to take away all the memories of pain!!!!!!!!!

I mean isn't that what all moms feel?  Don't we all just want our children to be HEALED!  To not remember the bad stuff?  To remember all the love we pour into them!!!!!!  To remember the fact that they have given their lives to CHRIST and HE ALONE SETS THEM FREE FROM SUCH PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

My heart longs for this for my child!  My heart wants and desires them to be set free!!!!!  They have given their heart to Christ!  I know they believe, and I have seen them healing.

BUT the problem with sin in our world is it creeps back into our lives and tries to "claim" us again.  To whisper in our ears- ummm....yeah you are not that great, the healing touch of your Savior is a lie.....you are not beautiful.....you are not loved......you are worthless......no one loves you............and it whispers- push the ones you love away.....push God away....push everyone away!

So after not seeing the "hurt child" on a consistent basis for a while now......THIS WEEK IT REARED IT'S UGLY HEAD (and I am NOT talking about the face of my beautiful child!!!!!!!!)  I am referring to the HURT!!!!  That hurt is a direct result of sin!  The HURT that I WANT TO REMOVE!

And I am being totally REAL HERE- I am NOT THE WORLD'S BEST MOMMY!!!  There are times like today that I DID NOT DO THE RIGHT THING!  I just didn't.   I wanted to.  I desired to.  I tried to.  I was doing good.......until I just couldn't take it any more!  WHY???  WHY DOES MY CHILD HAVE TO HURT?  WHY DOES THE FAMILY THAT LOVES THEM HAVE TO BE THIER TARGET?  And I crumbled.............and I sinned in my anger.

BUT after prayer, time alone to regroup ask forgiveness of our HEAVENLY FATHER, time to rededicate myself to the LORD, time to think about my rotten actions and words........I felt the Lord say to me- just like your child you are forgiven because you are MY DAUGHTER!  That is a pitfall that many parents fall into.  This UGLINESS makes US believe that we are worthless as well.  BUT WE ARE NOT!!!!  WE ARE GOD'S CHOSEN ONES!!!

We are the ONES GOD CHOSE for our CHILDREN!  HE CHOSE US TO parent them!!!!  HE CHOSE US TO love them, protect them, forgive them, start over again with them- even if it is every minute of the day!  HE CHOSE US TO continually forgive ourselves for being unfaithful and to remember that HE LOVES US TOO!  And after all of that- I had to ask them for their forgiveness, reassure them I LOVED THEM NO MATTER WHAT, reassure that that I am sorry for my actions and I will do whatever I can all the time to rebuild what I hurt today.  To ask them to trust me once again even though their trust was broken.  To ask them to pray with me that theirs and my healing would take place......and I believe it did. 

OH PARENTING!  The BLESSING that sometimes HURTS!  Lord, I ask that anyone reading this today remembers your EXTREME LOVE for THEM!  NO MATTER WHAT SITUATION- it could be a child struggling with attachment, or a special needs child, a single parent, ANY parent who is struggling, a single person yearning to be married, a person trying to lose weight, a person trying to get right with God- but things keep getting in the way, a person who is struggling with a boss or coworker, struggling with who they are, struggling with loss, struggling with .........

YOU SEE- YOU ARE HIS CHILD!!!!!  IT IS TRUE!  LET HIM HEAL YOU!!!!!  And when you give in because it is hard- I mean really really really hard- THEN ALLOW HIM BACK IN!  ALLOW HIM TO HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART AND GIVE YOU JOY!

***Yep, a lot of capital letter words today- I guess that is my mood :)  Praying for you reading this - and remember that I will gladly lift up any prayer concerns you have, as well as share your joys!  :)

******Further confession time:  In my anger I kicked a wall and broke at least 1 if not 2 toes.  :(  OYE!!!!  Oh if I could just get it all figured out!!!!