Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I HATE RAD!

 There have been many sweet moments of bonding between our twins!!! 
 I mean look at this!  This is what our hearts wanted! 
 This is what we prayed for, for our babes!!!!!!!!!!!
God has given us soo many new BLESSINGS with Michael and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I wish I could tell you that my whole life is filled with the above :).  That would be great - right?  I mean that is what I sooooo want to pretend is MY LIFE!  I REALLY DO!  And it is, but it is only part of my life.

But......it is not always my life.  No matter how many times I play the above scene in my mind.....it doesn't change ugliness that happens.

Some of you may not know what RAD is- Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I myself- don't give a lot of anything to letters- because to me letters like ADHD or RAD, or words like dyslexia- are just words.  Yes, they have meaning, but really it is something that you have to deal with work through together as a family.  Letters are just letters and words are just words.  So if you want to know more about what RAD looks like or the symptoms, etc. google it.  There is a lot of information out there.

But, what I can tell you is I HATE RAD!!!!!  I HATE RAD because- I LOVE MY CHILD!!!!  I do not like who they become when they are behaving in the "hurt child".  It means that they have a hurt heart- and that is what I do not like!!!  I DO NOT LIKE THE HURT part of their life.  I don't like the fact that their wounds come out in such a way that leave everyone else in their path wounded.  I do not like the fact that they don't want to accept love from me or others because they are too hurt in the moment!  I do not like the fact that I just want them to be HEALED!  Never to feel this way again.  I just want to take away all the memories of pain!!!!!!!!!

I mean isn't that what all moms feel?  Don't we all just want our children to be HEALED!  To not remember the bad stuff?  To remember all the love we pour into them!!!!!!  To remember the fact that they have given their lives to CHRIST and HE ALONE SETS THEM FREE FROM SUCH PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

My heart longs for this for my child!  My heart wants and desires them to be set free!!!!!  They have given their heart to Christ!  I know they believe, and I have seen them healing.

BUT the problem with sin in our world is it creeps back into our lives and tries to "claim" us again.  To whisper in our ears- ummm....yeah you are not that great, the healing touch of your Savior is a lie.....you are not beautiful.....you are not loved......you are worthless......no one loves you............and it whispers- push the ones you love away.....push God away....push everyone away!

So after not seeing the "hurt child" on a consistent basis for a while now......THIS WEEK IT REARED IT'S UGLY HEAD (and I am NOT talking about the face of my beautiful child!!!!!!!!)  I am referring to the HURT!!!!  That hurt is a direct result of sin!  The HURT that I WANT TO REMOVE!

And I am being totally REAL HERE- I am NOT THE WORLD'S BEST MOMMY!!!  There are times like today that I DID NOT DO THE RIGHT THING!  I just didn't.   I wanted to.  I desired to.  I tried to.  I was doing good.......until I just couldn't take it any more!  WHY???  WHY DOES MY CHILD HAVE TO HURT?  WHY DOES THE FAMILY THAT LOVES THEM HAVE TO BE THIER TARGET?  And I crumbled.............and I sinned in my anger.

BUT after prayer, time alone to regroup ask forgiveness of our HEAVENLY FATHER, time to rededicate myself to the LORD, time to think about my rotten actions and words........I felt the Lord say to me- just like your child you are forgiven because you are MY DAUGHTER!  That is a pitfall that many parents fall into.  This UGLINESS makes US believe that we are worthless as well.  BUT WE ARE NOT!!!!  WE ARE GOD'S CHOSEN ONES!!!

We are the ONES GOD CHOSE for our CHILDREN!  HE CHOSE US TO parent them!!!!  HE CHOSE US TO love them, protect them, forgive them, start over again with them- even if it is every minute of the day!  HE CHOSE US TO continually forgive ourselves for being unfaithful and to remember that HE LOVES US TOO!  And after all of that- I had to ask them for their forgiveness, reassure them I LOVED THEM NO MATTER WHAT, reassure that that I am sorry for my actions and I will do whatever I can all the time to rebuild what I hurt today.  To ask them to trust me once again even though their trust was broken.  To ask them to pray with me that theirs and my healing would take place......and I believe it did. 

OH PARENTING!  The BLESSING that sometimes HURTS!  Lord, I ask that anyone reading this today remembers your EXTREME LOVE for THEM!  NO MATTER WHAT SITUATION- it could be a child struggling with attachment, or a special needs child, a single parent, ANY parent who is struggling, a single person yearning to be married, a person trying to lose weight, a person trying to get right with God- but things keep getting in the way, a person who is struggling with a boss or coworker, struggling with who they are, struggling with loss, struggling with .........

YOU SEE- YOU ARE HIS CHILD!!!!!  IT IS TRUE!  LET HIM HEAL YOU!!!!!  And when you give in because it is hard- I mean really really really hard- THEN ALLOW HIM BACK IN!  ALLOW HIM TO HEAL YOUR BROKEN HEART AND GIVE YOU JOY!

***Yep, a lot of capital letter words today- I guess that is my mood :)  Praying for you reading this - and remember that I will gladly lift up any prayer concerns you have, as well as share your joys!  :)

******Further confession time:  In my anger I kicked a wall and broke at least 1 if not 2 toes.  :(  OYE!!!!  Oh if I could just get it all figured out!!!!

18 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing. To be honest, I was beginning to wonder if your family was "perfect." I say that tongue in cheek, as I know it is not...this post has helped me esteem you and your family even more.

    Blessings and wisdom,
    Summer

    P.S. I love what you had to say, such Truth.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for being real Dawn! We all struggle and don't always do the right things, but thank God for his mercy, forgiveness and love for us!!

    PS...you need to add Michael's official picture on your side bar! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We will be adding his pic soon- I think we wanted our professional pics first ;) YEAH!!!

      Delete
  3. Prayers to you and your family my sweet friend!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anybody in these shoes who hasn't had one of those dsys is not a truthsayer.....God's all over it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm hearing this (Hurt behavior appearing again after a break in it) a lot this week from my friends with hurt kids....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Walking the RAD walk with you. So hard.

    Hugs & Prayers,

    Laurel

    ReplyDelete
  7. love how your keeping it real and I will be praying for those toes of yours too!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you, thank you, for this post. I have been having to deal with these same issues with my girl. I too have not always reacted in the right way. Today, my sister came to pick her up and take her for a few days so I can get a little relief. I felt like the bad mom, sending my kid away (although she needs a respite too) So thankful for this sister! Also, so thankful for your encouraging, honest words today!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. And again today my beautiful friend you inspire me. I too have made many many many mistakes with my daughters. Today I ask her forgiveness and start the healing of us.
    Love you big!
    Cathy

    ReplyDelete
  11. You'll never know how much I needed this post!!! Lots of second guessing, discouraging moments and hurt hearts :o( I'm not alone. Thank you so so much for your honesty and willingness to share. Blessings, Denise

    ReplyDelete
  12. OH I hope your toes are feeling better. You are doing a fantastic job & I really admire you for it. Don't be down on yourself because you lost it ~ we all do.
    ((HUGS)) Please know what a wonderful witness you have through this blog & what a wonderful family you have!
    Blessings
    Renata:)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you. I needed this today in a big way. I'm not Christian (I'm Jewish) but you reminded me that I am OK and that the bad days as a mommy are part of His plan and that I am loved and taken care of. And that I do just need to regroup sometimes. My kids are so very precious and I'm blessed beyong belief to have them. Thanks for the gentle and inspirational reminder.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm right there beside you girl! What breaks my heart is to see my foster kids run up to total strangers and hug them, and then not let me comfort them. It's a marathon not a sprint. Praying for you! Thanks for sharing this. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are doing the best you can. I know you are a great Mommy to all of your kids. I feel your pain! (Even the toe pain!) I have locked myself in my bathroom crying with kids standing at the door on the outside worrying about me. I told them I needed a Mommy-Time-Out! Just hang in there! Hang onto Him! And thank you for your honesty!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you! I needed this today, and plan on sharing it with my mom. My little sister has slight RAD and she definitely acted like this. I hate hearing about my mom's bad days, and thinking that MY little sister hurt her.

    Sometimes I can't even look at her, because I know the pain and hurt she has caused some of us. Whether it is me, my mom, or a sibling.

    But at those moments... I think about HER past, HER present, HER pain, HER hurt, HER anxiety, HER fear, and HER grief that she has experienced in her short 6 years of life. I think about our mighty God who can heal all wounds, hearts, and minds.

    It's not always about us, and I have to keep that in mind. Because he chose my beautiful, smart, and little sister for our family. We love her no matter what!

    Praying for you and your family in this time of transition and adjustment. May the Lord give you guidance and wisdom.

    Blessings,
    ~Michlyn

    P.S. Do you mind if I share this? It's a really good post that speaks truth about reality.

    ReplyDelete

.

.