Heard, Known, and Loved

 Earlier in December I went to a retreat for adoptive and foster moms called OASIS Meeting.  When I signed up for it to be honest I had no idea exactly what it was going to be like.  I didn't know if any other people I knew were going to be there.  I didn't even know what we were going to be doing. 

Even if I had any preconceived notions about your typical retreat (I have been to Created 4 Care once last year, and our own local Loving God's Children last year too) this was nothing like it.  This retreat had the same premise as others in that it was meant for feeding your soul.  Meeting with other people who have walked all different kind of paths and yet all so differently. 

This was based on need that was seen among fellow adoptive and foster moms.  A need to be heard, to be known, to be loved!!  You see although there are many many many similarities in parenting any child there are some differences when parenting a child through foster care or adoption.  There is always a sadness to their story and then to yours as well. 

It may come from loss of a dream to have biological children, it comes from the child's loss of their first family, it comes from parenting a child that has experienced such loss, it comes from a world shattering decision that a family can no longer parent a child for at least a time and possibly forever for safety, it comes and it hits the adoptive family sometimes upside the head.  What that does to a family can rock them to the core.  It challenges everything you thought you knew about parenting.  It challenges your past and brings up all the junk you have tried to hide away for years!  It can rock your marriage!  It can put dividers up in your home! 

 So where do you turn if/when that happens?  Who will understand your world?  Who will understand how much you love your children and yet are hurt by their hurt?  What if it all becomes too much?  Who can you tell - after all those around you helped you fundraise, they supported you when you brought them home and had that gathering at the airport, they have seen your life from the outside, but who sees your life from the inside? 

 If you have ever felt this way- YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!  NEVER NEVER NEVER BELIEVE THE LIE THAT YOU ARE ALONE!!!!  That is straight from the enemy!  IT IS NOT TRUE!!!  But what if you believed it was?  What if you felt like you were drowning and it felt as if not one person heard you crying out for help? 

My friends this has happened in the adoption and foster care world and when it did...... a life ended, a beautiful and amazing life..... gone.  This tragedy ROCKED so many to the core!  It ROCKED US because.....what if that were us?  Could we drown so much that we too would think that there was no who would see us.....maybe not even God? 

This is what the purpose of the weekend was.  TO HEAR, KNOW, AND LOVE our sisters in Christ.  We had worship together, we listened to our brave leader be bold and honest about her own story.  She shared all- and through that allowed us to feel the safety of the space. 

This retreat was to focus on small groups with leaders who just knew they were to guide discussions and yet let the Lord take over.  To allow each individual to be heard!!  To let the stories- good, bad, and ugly to roll off their tongue.  To allow crying, healing, and prayers to be answered.  To just be!  As in for real ourselves!  How many times have you had a whole weekend to seriously just be yourself- no barriers, no fakeness, no pretending your life is perfect!  You can seriously feel free to allow yourself to be REAL! 

In return your sisters became real too!  They became your pillars that supported you and held you up and there was no judgement because we ALL HAD JUNK TOGETHER AND WE LAID IT BEFORE THE LORD TOGETHER!!!  There was an afternoon of choosing something you struggle with (I am honest pretty much every one of those would fit me), but I chose one.  Turns out I was NOT ALONE in my struggles!!!  There were others LIKE ME - ok not exactly like me ;), but they had struggles.  They understood and encouraged me!!  They got me!!  My small group got me!!  They understood!! 

You know part of carrying burdens is learning how to deal with them, sometimes how to heal, and sometimes how to live with pain and let it change  us into God's beautiful masterpiece.  We may even share them with the Lord, but having Jesus with skin on to share them with is amazing!  It is a way for us to truly be HEARD, KNOWN, and LOVED! 

Not sure what the future of OASIS Meeting is?  I am praying like crazy that in the coming years there are many all over the country!  Why?  Because I want my sisters to know- all of my sisters!!  Because that lie that satan tries to tell us that we aren't good enough, look what we did to our family, look how we are so bad at handling it, look how no one else understands...you are a failure and there is no way out- is just that- a lie.  THE TRUTH IS WE ARE LOVED SO DEEP WE SOMETIMES CAN'T SEE IT!  This retreat helped me SEE IT CLEARLY!

A huge shout out to all who helped with the retreat!  You are in my heart and special to me in a way that is hard to describe.  Thank you to all the wonderful ladies that came!  To all those that couldn't come, but prayed for us!  For all the husbands including mine that helped with the children back home and allowed their wives to get some much needed time.  You are all wonderful!!

***Side note about the pictures- the decor in the first picture was made for me by a friend Sara Friendshuh who I met at OASIS.  She had made one for a giveaway at the retreat- that I didn't win, but she chose to make one for me.  No strings attached just because she wanted to!  THANK YOU!!

The bracelet was a prize I won - and of course it was from 147 Ministries with Gwen Oatsvall and Susan Mayernick :) whom I love and have met!  I love it because it reminds me to pray for them and the missions they are doing. 

The books- I won for having the most children and the most adopted children ;). 

The bracelets were ones given during the retreat.... it's a long story of why I have 2, but let's just say I feel extra loved by 2 amazing women who gave them to me!!!  Thank you Amy Levy and Esty Downes :).

The Super Mom Myth

 The Super Mom Myth!  In the movie Christy (or is it a tv series?) this young lady from 1912 leaves her family and home to work in a mission in the middle of the Smoky Mountains.  She has a woman who inspired her to work there.  Someone who has devoted her life to the mission and spoke at her church and inspired her.  When Christy settles in at the mission she creates this "idol" of Ms. Alice in that she continually is in awe of her faith and her appearance of having it all together. 

**Today's pictures are brought to you by swim time fun on our vacation to Louisiana over a month ago - to the Christian Camp we used to work at.  :) 

 The reason I describe it as an idol and not just an influence is because Christy believes that Ms. Alice is beyond mistakes and or short falls.  Ms. Alice's response shocks Christy she says, "Take me off thy pedestal Ms. Huddleston!"  She then confesses that when she was young she had a child out of wedlock, and ran away to the mission to be closer to her daughter who didn't want anything to do with her....along with other things you find out along the way. 

 In my last post From The Outside Looking In I described how sometimes as a large family you can feel like you are lonely.  It can be a barrier that you never thought about until......well it just happens along the way so to speak.  Add in a few other things like adoptions and homeschooling and you can feel all out barred from most people. 

 Here is how the conversation goes.....in line at Publix with 10 boxes of crackers, 10 things of juice, 6 jars of pickles, 10 boxes of cereal, 12 loaves of bread, 6 boxes of ice cream treats- all of which were on Buy One Get One that week, and you have coupons!  YEA for us!  The cash register knows your name ;) and has seen your children with you plenty of times. 

The person behind you says, "Wow do you have daycare?" Or maybe, "That's a lot of food are you having a party?"  So you reply, "No, I have 9 children."  In that 2 second reply this person's jaw drops to the floor and they are in shock!  Half of me wants to shout call the paramedics, and yet with half of my brain I want to say- it's not a big deal!!!!!!

 It's a conundrum of sorts.  I think I just get so used to being a "freak show" that I get sarcastic and yet really why is it a big deal?  I mean.......it is just my life.  I AM NOT MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!! 

I know our society has a fascination with other people and how they live, henceforth reality shows.  It is fascinating to watch The Duggars, Duck Dynasty, or The Little Couple.  That I don't mind.  I know the fascination because I am fascinated.  I have NO PROBLEM spilling out bits and pieces of our testimony and sharing parts of our story for HIS GLORY!!!  Many people I know have done or supported adoption, Compassion, local food packing, etc. because they have seen our family do those things- PRAISE GOD!  That isn't about me for sure!  Because the Holy Spirit is the one who guides. 

 It is the Super Mom Myth that I want to dispel!!!!  I struggle just as much as the mom to the one child behind me in the store who has had it with sitting in the cart.  I have so much compassion for her because I get it.  I lose it with my children, yell, or say things I shouldn't.  I don't have 9 children because I can parent with ease.  THAT WOULD BE A BIG FAT NO!!!  I do not have it all together, and there are many things that need healing in my own home and life! 

 As if that wasn't enough people say things like you must be a saint, or you must have all the patience in the world, I could never do that, or you are amazing.  NO, NO, NO!!!!  I mean I am amazing because I am a daughter of the most high!  THAT is where it ends.  I long for more patience because I want to do better with my children.  There are times I cry out dear God are you sure I was meant for this life?  Why in the world would you pick me?  Please Lord not today.....I can't handle it....I want to hide under the covers! 

 Super Mom doesn't exist!  She isn't the latest baby wearer, breast feeding, mom to 30 children, driving a big bus, living on $10 a week, and smiling all the while!!!  SUPER MOM JUST DOESN'T EXIST because she is an IDOL! 

God however is very REAL and HE is in YOU the mom who tries to make the best of working long hours and coming home to a mess, with no dinner cooked, and 3 hungry kiddos who have 20 hours of homework to do, and need dinner in 2 minutes.

God is the person in the store who has a child who has some really rough days. 

God is in the one who is parenting a child with autism who is struggling every day of her life to help her child. 

God is in the mom who prays every day for the son she raised and poured herself into him who hasn't called her in over 20 years. 

 God is in you when you take a step back and realize that He has called you to foster or adopt.

God is in you when you take a deep breath and remember is this a big deal or little deal.....and calmly reply to your child with confidence ok let's do that together. 

God is in the teacher's heart who openly helps a child with homework every night because she knows there is no one home to help her. 

 God is in the father's heart who questions how he will make it another day at the office.

God is in the parents heart who knows they have to place their child for adoption in order to put the pieces of life back together. 

God is in the deepest darkest places of our lives.......and knows us......and all our doubts and all our shortcomings.......AND LOVES YOU ANYWAY!!!

 The Super Mom or Super Dad do not exist because God is what is super about anything!  It's true. 

 Oh we compare ourselves to others.  We say things like if only I were more like so and so.......

 If only I could do such and such........I would be better like they are....

 But the truth.....

 I mean this person here in the above picture- does she look like a Super mom to you?  ;) 

 How about this guy?  What in the world....makes you question if we should have 9 kids right? 

 Good thing God knew otherwise.  I guarantee God knows you too! 

 I also happen to know that God doesn't desire for us to be jealous or compare ourselves.  To be blown away by "numbers of children or numbers in a congregation".  No.......

God simply wants our hearts........that is what makes YOU SUPER!!!  To be a Son or Daughter of The Most High King!!!

***If you have no idea about God or Jesus, or my faith.  I am always happy to share you can email or phone me anytime.  :) 

SO IF YOU LIKED THIS POST HOP ON OVER TO MY FRIEND LAUREL'S POST!  Just proves crazy minds think alike ;). 

Saying YES! Meeting the Moore Family! AND RETREAT!

 As you can tell this post is action packed!  So first off- today's pictures are brought to you by The Moore Family!!!!  They are from OK, and are another amazing family with 8 kiddos :).  Hezra and I have been friends for quite some time, and have reached out to each other in support on many occasions.  It has been a BLESSING to call her friend!  Someone you can just text with a prayer and they get it, and are praying!  :) 

 Our kids had a blast together and were instant friends :).  It's fun to play with others who have basically the same number of people in their family as you do!

 So today's post is about saying YES! 

 Saying yes to what you may ask??? 

More specifically- saying YES to our children!! 

 Some of our children that have come from hard places have a harder time with our No's.  It isn't because they think it is fun to "flip their lid" (although as a parent it can certainly feel like it)....it is because it is tougher in general.  Their brains have been rewired by the trauma they have faced or the exposure to alcohol and drugs.  They have a shorter fuse. 

 To some it seems as though they are trying our patience ON PURPOSE and with EVIL INTENT!  I know I have wondered this at times as well!  Why in the world are you acting like this?  UGH!  Don't  you understand that is my "button"......ummm.....exactly. 

 One way to help our kiddos with the many No's we have to give them in their lifetime.  Is to first think about how and when we say no.  As well as how and when we say yes. 

 OK- running with scissors- we have no choice in the matter we must say NO!  We must do it quickly, and we have to protect our child.  You scoop the scissors out of their hands and say no.  You may give some further correction of how we walk with the scissors pointing down by their sides.  We explain that it is for their safety.  All of that is good and well, but you know what- they still hear NO!  And we probably yelled it at them because we were taken back and worried about our baby! 

BUT WE STILL SAID NO! 

 How about that time when they asked for a second cookie, but you didn't have enough to give everyone a second cookie, you are going to sneak those cookies later for yourself, it has been a long day, and you snap out another NO!  HEY, I have been there.  Don't apologize to me!!  BUT it is a another no.  I mean you did give them one cookie that should be a treat enough- right? 

BUT WE STILL SAID NO! 

 Have you ever counted how many times a day you say no?  I am guessing if you are a normal parent- it is a LOT! 

AND IT IS NOT WRONG!  You aren't doing something wrong by saying no. 

 So my next question is......how do you say no?  Is it with a mean face?  Is it with a strict tone of voice?  Is it with the intent to tell your child- bug off?  (AGAIN- no condemnation because I AM TALKING TO MYSELF HERE!)  After all as parents we are to keep our children from hitting, kicking, biting, being rude to you or others, not eating too much junk food, not hurting themselves.....it is exhausting! 

Now, think about your child.  The one who has a hard time hearing soooo many no's (for good reason or not).  Think about how hard it is to feel like the only thing you say is no.  Worse yet- you may say no with a stern look.  Which from their point of view might as well be a big you are a loser NO :(  This thought breaks my heart!!!!  I don't want to be mean to my kiddos.  I love them!  I don't want them to see my face and think- meanie. 

 Do I have to love and protect- YES YES YES!  Do I have to correct?  AMEN!  Do I have to be mean about it?  NO! 

I dare you - go look in the mirror and think of a scenario that happens daily in your home.  Now picture yourself looking at your child and saying no.  Go ahead- no one is looking....I don't have spy cameras in your home people ;).  Although that sounds fun! 

What did you see?  Was it a bit scary?  What do your kids think of your face when you look like that?  I dare you to ask them!  Because the other thing is what does or doesn't seem scary to an adult can be a world away from what their child sees. 

 So on the flip side what can you do?  I mean you have to say no right?  YES you do.  How can you say it without saying it?  Here are some ways to help your child take it easier.  Let's say your child says- mommy I would love to have a pink pony for my birthday.  If you are like me- you may say....ummm Hello NO!  (sarcasm would be included people). 

OK so how about we try that a little differently?  Mommy can I have a pink pony?  Well that sounds like a fun thing to have!  Wouldn't that be cool if there were pink ponies?  I think we should go draw one right now!  You know it is a bummer, but God didn't make any pink ponies.....  Awww.....isn't that too bad?  As much as I would love to have a pony, our yard isn't really big enough because ponies need lots of room to play and run too.  I love this idea though.  .........

Pretty big difference isn't there?  The first reaction is short and sweet and to the point.  The second takes time, takes creativity, and there may be some disappointment as well......but easier to handle when it isn't an outright NO! 

 On the other hand- how and when do we say YES?  How many times a day do you think you say  YES? 

 How many more times do you say NO than YES?  Yep, me too.  This is something we are working on though. 

 Awwww......sweet boy was very very very tired!  I am sooo thankful we said YES to him!  :)

 So how can we say YES more?  I think this is something that has to come from you, your lifestyle, what your likes and dislikes are.  Whatever you do- figure it out!!!!! 

 Karyn Purvis talks about being the bubble gum queen.  She brings the big bucket o gum with her.  Anytime the child asks for a piece of gum respectfully - she gives it to them.  ANY TIME! 

**Side note if your kiddos have sensory issues this is a huge help as well!!!  The Chewing is very helpful!!  Trust me ;). 

 In our home we  have implemented this - with sugarless gum instead (not that I am worried....it was what we had already in the home).  We have a minty flavor and a fruity flavor.  Any time our kids ask for it- they can have a piece. 

Yes, but what if they ask about having a piece right before dinner or right before bed......well then we say- you can have a piece....do you want to set it on the counter while you take your nap, and as soon as you get up you can have it? 

 THE KIDS LOVE IT!!!!!!   It is a treat we don't normally give our kids.  And we have and will go through lots of gum.  But at the end of the day- is it that big of a deal??  NO!  I mean- YES!  It is a big deal to them!!!!!!!  It gives them a sense of YES!  Which helps them accept no easier.  No easy or completely, but easier! 

It builds their trust in us to say YES!  Mommy may not say yes all the time, but she is willing to many many many times! 

 As we have just started this at the beginning of the week....I am thinking our kids have started- yes just started to gain more trust.  Trust that we will say yes! 

 So what can you say yes too?  5 minutes on a mini trampoline?  reading a book to them or with them?  playing with them for 10 minutes?  a gummy bear?  playing in the rain?  going on a walk with them? 

It takes time and energy!  It is not easy!  BUT WOW!!  Think of what could happen if our children could gain more trust in you by saying yes to a piece of gum?  Or could understand that you aren't saying now with a mean spirit in your heart?  Or no mean looks on your face? 

 How would this change your relationship with your child?  How could this change you? 

 As for us- this is one of many steps we are implementing to meet our children's needs.  If it takes a million pieces of gum to help them realize we are saying yes to them- AWESOME!  I am great with that! 

 **In case you are wondering- yep it rained on us when we met up at a local park!  But, ummm.....didn't really slow the kiddos down at all :). 

 In fact - they danced in the rain :)!!!!!! 

 WE had so much fun!! 

 THANK YOU MOORE FAMIILY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 We had a wonderful day!! 

 Wonderful memories......

 Wonderful new friends.......

and we hated saying goodbye.....  :(  LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK - REEETTTTTTRRREEEEAAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes that is right I said RETREAT!  Coming soon here in Florida :). 

Registration for the 2013 Women's Retreat is only open until AUGUST 1ST!!!! This retreat is for adoptive and foster moms and any women in their lives that want to support them on their journey. Please make sure you turn in your registration forms soon! A $50 deposit will hold your place and the balance will be due by August 1st. Our weekend is packed with uplifting and fun things to do. You will return to your families very refreshed and renewed. What a wonderful gift for them as well as you!

 

Friday Night

5:30-6 Registration
6-6:45 Dinner
7:00-8:30 Session 1 and worship
9:00-10:30 Movie Night

Saturday

8:00-9:00 Breakfast
9:00-10:30 Breakout Session #1
10:30-11:30 Date with God
11:30-12:30 Lunch
12:30-2:00 Breakout Session #2
2:00-5:00 Free Time
5:30-6:30 Supper on the Beach
6:30-8:00 Session 3 and worship
8:00-10:00 PJ Party Panel and Dessert

Sunday

8:00-9:00 Breakfast

9:00-10:30 Service and worship

Loving God’s Children Women’s Retreat 

This retreat is for adoptive and foster moms, any woman interested in adoption or fostering, and the women that support these families.

When:  September 13-15, 2013

Where:  Little Harbor Resort, Ruskin, Florida

Registration fee:  $150 (checks payable to Loving God’s Children)

Room Rate: $75/night Standard Room (two double beds)

$92/night Jr Queen Suite (two queen beds and kitchen)

The registration includes meals beginning with Friday dinner to Sunday breakfast, snacks, sodas, retreat materials, and goodie bag.  Rooms can be split 4 ways to lighten the cost and are booked separately through the resort.

Sorry, no children or spouses are invited to attend.  This event is just for ladies.

For more information- CONTACT :)

Gretchen Sloan
Loving God's Children, Inc.
Founder/Executive Director
813-716-5508

gsloan@lovinggodschildren.org
www.lovinggodschildren.org