Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Empowered To Connect Part 5 Redos and other tips

 So today's photos are brought to you by some cuteness from Easter weekend.  Can you believe I never actually got all my babes in a photo with all of their dressed up outfits on?  What?  Yep, neither can I, but oh well.  Easter is about JESUS!!!!!  NOT outfits anyway, so I am ok with that.  It isn't like we go out and buy outfits for the day ;)......so on with fun at my Aunt Jane's home.......
 Ummm....there were 100's of eggs.....filled with candy, and our kids liked it!  :)  The End.  :)
 Onto......Redos!  Yep, do you ever feel like your life could do with a redo?  ME TOO!!! 
 I think there is a good call for getting first time obedience.  There is, but not at the expense of getting our children's hearts.  Sometimes our children need time to think and process things.  If you are parenting a child from a hard place.....they need more time.  When that time needed doesn't happen- then maybe a redo is in order. 
 I am sorry, but for me I was not happy about thinking - hey let's do a redo.  My brain said- do it they way you are supposed to- end of story.  Sometimes I can be a bit harsh.  The thing is we aren't rewarding bad behavior we are meeting a need in our children's hearts. 
 I want them to do it correctly the first time.  Don't we all?  There are plenty of times our children do things correctly the first time which is also awesome! 
 Sometimes though......even they realize immediately that they have not made a good choice.  You can almost see it click.  Or you may just know in your heart that if you gave them a little time (not talking time out people).......a little space to calm down.......they would get it right the second time. 
 Now, if possible depending on the situation- go back to the "scene of the crime" and do a redo.  Come on you know there is an actor inside waiting to burst out.  If you feel silly then really get dramatic about it and even have fun.  Can you correct and have fun- ABSOLUTELY!  Do you think your child will remember it even better- YEP! 
 AND.........MOST IMPORTANTLY you have connected with them and connected the point A to point B for them.  WOW!  How important is that.  So what is a good example? 
 Let's say Princess decides that Ms Party Pooper wasn't being nice enough to her.  She was crowding in on her space as they were both playing legos.  So Princess decided to hit Ms Party Pooper.  Instead of using her words she used her body to hit.  Oooopps.....
 Now, we are not talking bloody nose or anything serious, but the fact is that Princess needs to control her body- right?  So when you see the actions take place or better yet Brother Rat- tells you all about it......
 You say to Princess- do you need a redo?  It clicks and she realizes she made a mistake. 
 Now....sometimes patience is the key and they need a "time in" for a bit before it clicks.  (A  time in is a time when your child sticks like glue to you.  Remember sometimes sending a child away or to stay out of your sight isn't a good idea.  Hurting children feel rejection when you "send them away".  For some that are ADHD it just tells  them go off and forget about it- because well that is what they do ;) 
 When it does- this is your moment.  GO with it.  You can either role play with Ms Party Pooper if she is willing, or you take Ms Party Pooper's place and do the role play.  When Princess remembers to use her words to ask nicely for you to please give her some more space- you are set!  WAHOOO!!!!!!   Celebrate! 
 Give them encouragement- YES Princess that is what we need to do.  Let's remember that for next time.  Now can we say sorry and give hugs to our sister? 
 Now, this is not a redo every 2 minutes kind of thing.  This isn't overused, because we are shooting for first time obedience (first time obedience is NOT a part of Empowered To Connect, but it is what God wants from us), but sometimes there are other ways to get there. 
Sometimes as opposed to a time in- they need to go do a Think It Over spot.  Now here in our home there are sensory items, bean bag chair, and different places around our home they could go to calm down.  It's amazing to me that our children know they need that.  I mean we have been using a lot more sensory items this year (chew tubes, seat circles- blown up rubber things you sit on, fiddle toys, noise canceling headphones, etc.) sometimes they need a small snack or water as well. 
 We haven't been doing this long, and yet our children can tell you - I need time.  When they have that time- it is like a whole new person emerges.  A child with a heart at peace ready to say sorry.  A child ready to ask forgiveness.  THAT is the most important part!   
 Other tools and tips:  Can I do xyz?  Yes, but right now we need to do this first, then do........
Have you ever seen the above bring on a melt down?  ME TOO, but sometimes just reassuring them that you are saying YES, but they have to do this first- can help. 
 If their problem was with Fred then they have to finish it with Fred in the end.  Even if they weren't involved in the role play- they still have to say sorry and ask forgiveness from Fred. 
 Again, when you are talking to your child- Ask for EYES AND HANDS!!!  This has really built up connection in your correction time!  We have seen amazing results.  Did you know if you are holding your dear child's hands- it really helps your heart not to get harsh and overly angry as well?  Hey, I will take any helps I can get! I don't want to be angry mom! 
 Remember children can be overly sensitive to noise!  Wow is that true especially for a few of our children.  Never realized before, but it is pretty obvious now, and we have to be so very careful because Loud Voices can really throw them out of the loop.  Then you have lost all effectiveness even if you are not even yelling.  UGH- working on that, and prayerfully doing better. 
 Did you know that sometimes children are not good at reading faces?  Never thought of this, but have tried some experiments since attending Empowered To Connect and it is true!  So do this yourself- during a non conflict time try making faces in the mirror with your child.  Make silly faces, sad faces, angry faces, happy faces, etc.  Ask your child what the differences are, similarities...compare your child's to yours.  When you are "in the moment" ask them to tell you what they think your face looks like.  It works!  Miscommunication can really throw things off. 
 Watch your child's and your non verbal communication.  Sometimes we just need a reminder to look for things:  Eye rolls (hey I am the master on this- just sayin'), arms crossed, clenched jaw, the look, legs crossed, etc.  Then compare with this list:  eye contact, hands out to them holding gently, gently open body to you, turn screens off around you- the computer, the tv, your phone, etc.  Reminders to myself really help when I am trying to get that connection. 
Remember our goal is Train, Teach, and Instruct- not punish.  We want connections and building blocks that last!  We want our children to stop- take time to think it through, and remember.  That is a lifelong skill and process.  BUT OH SO WORTH IT!
OK hoping this video uploads- this is MICHAEL WALKING :)  I kept forgetting to video it, but here he is!!!  Our little miracle man! 

Empowered To Connect Part 1
Empowered To Connect Part 2
Empowered To Connect Part 3
Empowered To Connect Part 4

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