Saturday, September 28, 2013

From the outside looking in......

 **Today's pictures are brought to you by our vacation over a month ago....because well- I haven't used them all up yet, and there are a million blog posts swimming around in my head that I have to write yet, and by now you are thinking- grammar DAWN!  Sorry....
 Today's post is about something that I rarely share about.  Something most don't understand, and that is perfectly ok.  I just feel the need to write about it anyway.  It actually goes along with the pictures because these photos were taken while the Big D Family was visiting (well, part of the family ;).  One of the reasons Laurel and I connect is because we have both adopted, we homeschool, and we have large families. 
 This is how I feel.  From the outside looking in large families are intimidating.  I am not sure with maybe 2 exceptions that when people ask how many children we have and we say 9 that there hasn't been picking up of jaws off the floor or some comments about wow.  Some people seriously tremble or even blurt out OH MY GOODNESS!  Some look like they will faint.  Others count our heads as we walk past.  Others question- are they a daycare?  Oh no maybe they are a school group (he he he he we kind of are a school group ;), or maybe some after school program? 

Translation- are you crazy? 

I don't think that in an of itself is hard......although there are days I want to be perceived as normal.  I never said I was normal, just perceived as normal ;).  It is in the day to day routine and feeling......left out. 
 Isolation is the work of satan himself I tell you.  Single people feel it, youth feel it, those with one child feel it, those with no children feel it, those with 19 children feel it.  EVERYONE feels it so it's not like I am alone.  What I do know is that when you have 9 children and everyone's mind seems to be blown by that fact.......it's like a lot of times the conversation ends......or politely enough you never see that person again.
 You don't get invited a lot of places or over to people's homes because of sheer number.  People can't imagine having your family over to their "too small" home.  People can't imagine saying let's go out to eat together (although we don't eat out often anyway) because you would take up a whole section of a restaurant.  People can't imagine inviting you over to a birthday party because your "clan" would be too crazy.  People can't imagine doing anything except - maybe meeting at a park because at least there your children wouldn't overwhelm them. 
 The truth of it is.......from the outside looking in- our family is "big".  Our family may not look like yours.  We may overwhelm everyone.  We may be loud.  We may be different.  I can't guarantee that we won't have people staring at us because it happens all the time.  (We just get used to it and ignore it.  Our philosophy is that everyone is staring because our children are so stinking gorgeous!)  Let's face it though there are many who just don't like being in the spotlight.  I promise we did not have a big family so we could be in a spotlight and no I don't want to be on a tv show ;).  Trust me you don't want it either- that is a specific calling I can assure you!   
 I am not just talking about the outside world though!!!!  I am talking about your own family as well.  I mean what do they do when you come for Thanksgiving?  What do they do when you have get togethers?  How do they handle that much chaos?  What about the noise and uncle Fred's aversion to kids noise levels (just so you know we don't have an uncle Fred).  How do they include you, but have fun?  How in the world are they ever going to invite you over- and house your family?  Truth: they can't.....at least not always or sometimes ever.   
 It is hard to feel that you are a constant burden to others.  In order for them to accommodate your family they have to have 2 extra tables, or have a whole extra turkey, or eat somewhere other than their home, or put up with all the stares out in public, or deal with all the noise that children tend to make, and all of this compounds in your heart because you feel a sense of - unworthiness.  There I said it!  It is out there!  It is the truth of how I feel sometimes.....forget it MOST times! 
It is not that I am ungrateful.  I am more than BLESSED!!!!  WE do have friends and family that are not scared of us, but there are those that are.  In fact I know that in writing this post there will be those of you crying because you understand first hand....and may not have anyone who doesn't treat you like a burden, or maybe are conveniently left out of your family all together.  To those families- know this- I AM SORRY!  I sooo wish we all lived together, but then we would exclude others so that would defeat the point. 

I try not to take offense honest I do, but it is hard when you feel like you are judged by the size of your family.  I know people don't do it to be rude or anything.  Honest I know that it can be very different.  After all I don't even know the percentages of those who have more than 8 children, all adopted, homeschooling, crazy people.  (Honestly that is why I blog because I don't feel as alone- all you wonderful bloggers out there - you know who you are!!  I am definitely not talking about just large families either!!!  You make me feel normal and accepted when we don't feel that in our own world.)

From the outside looking in........ 
I want  to fit in with those of you who have no children, or one child, or 4 children, or whatever.  I love you!  I want to be a part of your world.  I am NOT SUPER MOM!  I am happy just to talk about toddler behaviors, stresses of being a mom, how to stay connected to our husbands, how to enjoy our children, crazy events of our day.  I am interested in YOU!  I promise I am not all that different.  I just want what you want.  Acceptance and for people not to be overwhelmed at the thought of my family.  I don't want to put you out or feel like a burden, and I am not a rock star, just someone who needs other people. 

Love,
Big family moms all over the world.........

18 comments:

  1. You just laid my heart out ALL OVER THIS POST!! We have 7 children, and have NO friends at all that we can count on to be there and share life with us...none..for this reason. The two families we love more than life, left, and are too far away to visit...:(. IT'S hard! Thank you so much for posting this!

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  2. Love this, and I get it in my own little way. I feel isolated because most people our age have 1 or maybe 2 children. They certainly don't have 3 in as short of an amount of time as we have. It is hard to find people that fit in with us and are willing to handle our 3 rowdy toddlers. Love your heart!

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  3. Well, come up and visit and we'll just double the hamburgers on the grill and take the kayaks and jet ski out! But I know what you mean. We've never as a family been invited to go to another families house even though we would gladly bring some food along to share the burden!

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  4. OK, I am going to say that I am one of those people that would not have you over and would meet you in a park. However, it isn't about judging you or finding anything wrong with the size of your family at all. One of my dearest friends has 6 kids. Here's the truth... I don't like people in my space. I don't care if you have 2 kids or 20, I will offer to meet you at a park. It is open and I less anxious. I rarely have had bday parties and never more than 3 guests. My 3 bio children are very spread apart. The only 2 kids that b are close in age are my oldest and my stepson and they were older my anxiety got worse. The reason I am sharing that is because last week the Lord started showing me how my fear could be interpreted by others and how they can be hurt by my selfish protection of my issues. I have started praying and asking for the gift of hospitality so I can help n people feel loved and welcomed. My goal tomorrow is to say hello to someone at church. I am going to have to work up to inviting people to my home. Your post was confirmation again that I need to reach out no matter my anxiety level.

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    1. Thank you for being so honest! You know if you told me that- I would totally not take offense at all :). Thank you for that perspective!!

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  5. I understand how you feel and we are a family of eight! Thanks for sharing! MANY people just can not HANDLE the size of our family in their home, or yours. I would like to say that it is mostly due to a selfish world, but know that may not be the case for each, like Julie who just commented!

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  6. I could not have written this any better myself. Having 14 children I always feel like such a burden and like we overwhelm people. I get so tired of everybody calling me super mom, I want to be taken off the pedestal and just treated like a friend.

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    1. AMEN! Supermom is a myth is a post floating in my head now for weeks! Seriously! I love my children, but I am NO WHERE NEAR PERFECT- not even on the same planet as supermom ;).

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    2. Dawn, I've got the same post floating in my head, tentatively titled, "It's Lonely Up On The Pedestal." I think I'm about ready to write that post, and will probably link back to you.

      :) :) :)

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  7. Right.There.With. You.! (and fun pics of our kids)

    This summer, we actually "only" had 4 children living at home (now up to 5), and we got invited over to TWO different homes. It had been YEARS since we had been invited to anyone's homes except for our dearest friends of 30 years.

    My brother actually told me 5 years ago, "You understand that you just have too many children for us to invite to our home." Really?!?! (Their home, with their 2 children, is nearly as large as our home with 12 children.) Sadly, they won't even meet us at a park, nor come to our home. They have cut off our family relationship because we "have too many children".

    We were so BLESSED on our Road Trip last month. We actually felt like a "small" family, as I only had 4 kids with me on this trip. We visited a family in MN with 18 children (11 at home right now, and 2 on the way). Another family in MN with 11 children. A family in OK with 11 children, and another family in OK with 17 or 18 children (just adopted another one this month). Then . . . we visited your "small" family. :) After visiting you, we headed to CA and visited a family with 18 kids. It was AMAZING! All of these families were adoptive families, and all but one family were homeschoolers, as well. While we did only have 4 kids with us on this trip, we have visited most of those families when traveling with 6 and 7 kids. Boy am I THANKFUL for my Blog Friends!!!

    Just so you know . . . you can come visit us ANY time with ALL of your precious children.

    Love & Hugs!

    Laurel
    mama of 12

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  8. Great post! I realized the other week that we are so blessed because when we switched churches, we ended up making some new friends...who had a bunch of kids...and are willing to babysit all of ours at the same time! What a gift...because splitting them up (which I do as well if needed) is such a hassle. :-) I need to remember to be like your last few sentences...I can get a little bit like "I'm tired of talking about potty-training methods...(and I still have 2 to do)" :-) So I need to make sure I'm not projecting a "Been There, Done That" attitude!

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  9. Thank for posting that. I have been feeling very lonely because our family that literally lives 2 houses away won't interact with us because we have 6. I've always wanted to have a big family and love it. 6 is an adjustment for us know because they are all foster so still getting them into a routine. The things that make me mad is when people say you have your hands full. I really dislike that. Yes sometimes we may look disfunctional from the outside but our kids don't handle change well so we know going somewhere its going to be difficult but we do it because we love our kids. We are so thankful to be able to read about others with big families. All of you would be more than welcomed to our home in OK. We haven't really made friends here with anyone else that has a big family. Hopefully one day we can meet some of you.

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  10. I thank you as well for this well written post. I think that most families with many children go thru this as well as families that have adopted many times. We have lost family and friends over doing what the Lord has called us to do and most people I talk to that do what we do have as well. satan loves to divide and hurt people. I recently wrote a post about this on my blog as well. But God does use it all for good and we are blessed in spite of it all. The loneliness is one of the many reasons why I blog as well. But I have met many families thru blogging that have become friends and are precious to me and provide fellowship now. God is so good.

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  11. Dawn, Thank you so much for your post. As a large family i feel the same way. And I hate when people say "you must be so patient, you must be super mom" I hate when people say "how many now? Are you up to 20 yet? You should have your own reality show" I love when people ask genuine questions about adoption, but sometimes it is much too personal and that gets hard. We too do not get invited out much so we just work on having people over to our house. But is does get lonely.

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    1. Hi Jenny,

      I have been pondering a post about all of the things that people say when they find out I have a DOZEN children: Super Mom, Duggars. etc . . . They put us up on a pedestal (when we never ask to be), and then they get all judgmental when we fall off the pedestal that they put us on. Oh . . . don't get me started!!!

      Laurel :)

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  12. Thank you for this real post. You had me in tears, I also have the same feelings. Especially when people make remarks about how I must be a saint. I want to say, I am just like you, I was once afraid of the chaos too! But God helped me through it and I wouldn't change a thing.


    I will say that being a single mother of 7 children brings about an especially isolated feeling. ( 1 home grown and 6 adopted.). I think people always want to put you in a box, a category. And I just don't fit into most categories! I would really love to be invited over to someone's house for dinner. It is very rare indeed.

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  13. I just wrote a post about this, with quotes and links.

    http://www.ourjourneyoffaith.net/2013/10/the-loneliness-of-life-on-pedestal.html

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  14. I posted this on fb. I have six bio children and people can be insanely mean. You forgot to add about people who ask if we're "done" and their reaction (which can be quite nasty!) when we say we're not. I have in-laws who can't handle us and I have sadly stopped visiting. It just was too much for me to travel out of state gas etc for them to be done visiting within an hour or two. ~where's the love??~

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